One year later, open letters to my loves.

I almost feel like these letters deserve a prelude, so here mine is.
I feel like I owe everything that I am to Hendrix. You see, as a teenager, you think you have everything figured out. I was in love with my boyfriend, and as soon as we got out of highschool we were going to get married. I was 18 and crazy in love with Aaron when we wed. We're still very much in love, happily married and have what I believe to be a-once-in-a-lifetime love.
We were only a few months married, and still incredibly young, when I found out I was pregnant with Hendrix. There is a song by Ben Folds with a verse that the second I heard it I thought of him .
'Where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it everyday, and I know that I am the luckiest.'
The second I saw him, felt him in my arms, everything I had ever known had changed. This is what love is. The love that is untouchable, truly unconditional, immortal. That night I never put him down. Or the next day. Or the next. I didn't what to. I had carried him in my stomach for 9 months and wasn't ready to part with him.  He'd be held for a few minutes at a time by other people. I mean I guess I had to share ;) But at night he would lay on my chest, all to myself. I stayed up all night, both nights I was in the hospital, just holding him and staring at him. I couldn't believe he was here, so beautiful, so perfect. After he was born, our life really began. He taught me patience and complete selflessness in one short cry. Motherhood can truly change a person, and I am no exception.
It was two years later that Aaron and I decided we wanted another. We really struggled with the idea because we felt so happy with our Hendrix. We felt so complete. I remember telling Aaron several times, 'How could I ever love someone else as much as I love him? It's impossible.' But we never wanted Hendrix to be an only child. Aaron always wanted him to have a brother. I, at the time, wanted him to have a sister.
I found out I was excepting early September of 2010, and ten short weeks later, we found out there was two! That December we found out that Hendrix would be getting not one, but two little brothers.
I was crushed. I didn't get a little girl. My heart was broken. I know, how selfish. Two incredibly healthy babies, and I was sad.
I know now what I didn't know then, they were never supposed to be girls. Either one of them. They were always supposed to be boys. And now that they are here, I would never have it any other way. They are my boys, and they have stolen my heart for forever. I wouldn't have my sons any other way.

I am so lucky to be the mother of these three incredible boys.


To Maxton,
The hardest, most heartbreaking week of my life was the first week you were born. You were the first brother to be born, my 'Baby A'. I felt so helpless strapped to the table during the surgery. I couldn't see anything but the bright light shining in my eyes above me. Your father was whencing watching. I heard a small cry and asked, 'what's he look like? Does he look like Hendrix?' 'No, not at all.' I heard them pat on your back, and asked several times if you were okay. You had taken a breath too early, inhaling fluid into your lungs. You were struggling to breath. They unstrapped my arm for a few short moments so I could wrap it around you before you were rushed off to the NICU is Wesley. The doctor says it was then, only in my arms, that you managed to breath decently. You have a tough first few days, away from your mother, under a heating lamp with a ventilator pushing air in and out of your body. I couldn't go with you, because I lost too much blood and was having a hard time recovering from my surgery, but your father was by your side every second he could be. In retrospect, I'm glad it was your dad, and not me that was there for you, because as your mother it broke my heart to see you like that and your father was stronger. He had to be, for you.
After you were strong enough to leave the NICU, but before you got to come home, you went to a smaller, private room where they could monitor your breathing. Aaron got to stay the night with you for the first time, unless you count him falling asleep by your side in the early morning while you were in the NICU. Bennett and I stayed at the Ronald McDonald house over night, but were in the room with you all day. You had just fallen asleep in my arms after a feeding, so Aaron and I thought we'd slip out for 30 minutes to grab a bite to eat. When we returned, as we were walking in the hall, still quite a ways from your room, we heard a cry. As you had been hooked up to tubes until then, we had never really heard you cry. For some reason, even from far away and never hearing it before, I knew that was my son crying. I knew instantly. We picked up speed to make it to the room as fast as we could so I could comfort my baby. We swung the door open to find that you were just getting weighed by the nurse, and quite frankly, didn't want to.
As we stood there, waiting for the nurse to finish, and listening to your scream, I turned to your father and he said, 'He's just showing off his lungs. He's our little champion!' and gave me grin. I smiled back and said, 'Let's hope. I mean WOW! What a cry!' I'm not exaggrating. Maxton, you didn't cry, you screamed. I mean an ear-piercing, high pitch scream. Like no cry I'd ever heard. What spunk you had. Aaron and I agreed, you were gunna be our wild one. We were sooo right.
When we finally brought you home, I figured we'd get into a routine so naturally. I was wrong. I had a hard time with twins. And you, my sweet Max, were the hardest to figure out. You didn't want to nurse, you didn't prefer to cuddle. You were much more independent than my other two boys. The doctor told us we should except that, as you learned independence early on from the NICU, but as your mother that was very hard to except.
Maxton, even as an infant, you've always been a bit different. You have a temper, and at 10 months you could throw a better tantrum than a 2 year old. But you are so much fun. You laugh with your whole heart. You have the greatest smile I'll ever know, with big dimples and a mouth full of teeth. You are silly, and brilliant. You have more personality and spirit in that 23 pound little body of yours than most adults I know.
If Hendrix and Bennett have the heart, you Max, have the soul. I have so much to learn from you, never slow down.
We are so proud of that fire inside you, you are our little champion. I love you more than you'll ever know.

To Bennett,
I feel like I've known you my whole life. If I had ever thought I couldn't love a child as much as my first, you prove me wrong the second I held you. There was so much about you that reminded me of your older brother, it was so easy to get to know you.
After you boys were born, your father walked in the room and said, 'They're taking Maxton to Wesley.' Wait a minute? Which one's Max? You named them already? I had already had a hunch (and I was right!), but Aaron said he knew which one was Max and which one was Bennett as soon as he saw them. He was no doubt correct, you were my Bennett Mathias.
You were such a cuddle bean. You'd curl up in a ball on my chest and sleep so peacefully. At 2, Hendrix was old enough that I had forgotten how sweet it was to hold a new born baby. Not just any baby, my baby. I loved the way you smelled, your dark curly hair, your soft skin. You were perfect, more than perfect.
I had a hard time in the hospital. One of my babies was in the NICU, your father was away with him, and Hendrix had to stay at your aunt's. I felt lonely and heartbroken, but you saved me. You never cried, just slept in the warmth of my arms only stirring to eat.
As a twin, you had a hard time sharing. You were always the momma's boy. You'd push Maxton off my legs if he ever requested my attention. You were always the chill one, so relaxed, but always wanting to be on my hip. I referred to you as my 'gerber' baby. If you picture a baby in your head, you'd picture you. You had such a sweet baby face with an innocent little smile, and a sweet baby personality to match.
Your dad would always call you a blanket. You were so warm and turned into putty when you'd sleep on our chests, your dad would always fall asleep as well, sometimes before you were actually asleep.
My 'chill' little baby eventually hit a run of mischievous. You constantly got into everything, opening doors and cabinets. You would actually sit and watch what we were doing so you could figure out how to get into it. Oh and the things you would climb! Everything! It started with the stairs, then your brothers slide, then ladders, then chairs and tables. You got so ornery so fast. You are always on some sort of an adventure, always trying to figure things out. Always with a smile on your face. You were always infatuated with your older brother as well, wanting to know what he was up to. He could always make you laugh. You were so easy to get laughs out of, such a happy baby. You have the biggest belly laugh, your whole body shakes when you giggle. Ben, you light up the room when you enter. You have the most precious demeanor. I love waking up to your smiling face every morning, we are so lucky to have you.
Bennett, you've got to be the most inquisitive, sweetest baby I'll ever know. You have the happiest eyes, the happiest heart. You were the missing piece to our puzzle. You fit so perfectly into our lives. I can't wait to see this curious little boy grow into a curious man. You are meant to do great things. I love you with my whole heart, no one could ever replace you, my Bennett Mathias.